An In Story Introduction to the WWE Roster for the First Time Viewer - Part 7

Our continuing look at the WWE roster for a new viewer, to help provide some back story to the massive amount of people you'll be introduced to on the shows. You can check out our previous installments here.

Jack Swagger (RAW) - The 'All American American' and current United States Champion, Jack Swagger is a client of Vickie Guerrero's, along with Dolph Ziggler. Swagger is a former World Champ who fell on hard times after losing the big belt, and lost a lot of credibility. Looking for some momentum, he signed up with Vickie Guerrero to be her muscle - and so far it is paying dividends. Swagger just beat a very injured Zack Ryder (who was not medically cleared to compete) to win the US Championship, a befitting title for the self-proclaimed poster boy of the ideal American specimen.

Jerry Lawler (RAW) - Jerry "The King" Lawler is just that - the undisputed king of Memphis wrestling and a living legend in that city. He's also known for being one of the longest running commentators in the WWE, partnered previously with his good friend JR and now with the insufferable Michael Cole. Somewhere along the way the unthinkable happened - the self centered, egotistical, sycophantic Lawler of the 1990s has become the voice of reason in the announce booth. King isn't afraid to get in the ring either, having just entered the Royal Rumble last night, and it's clear it's something he'd like to do more of. Be ready, because when the straps come down, it's about to be on.

Jey and Jimmy Uso (Smackdown) - The Usos are the latest generation representing the rich tradition of Samoan tag teams in wrestling, although both are a great deal slimmer than most of their fore bearers. The sons of WWE legend Rikishi, these two pay tribute to their father and their culture in their ring entrance (performing a Siva Tau, or traditional Samoan war dance) and their move set. They've updated the classic Samoan wrestling techniques with newer, faster paced offense in a kind of fusion style. Respecting their heritage, while bringing the presentation in line with the current day, is clearly a priority for this team. They have been stuck in the under card since their arrival, but maybe things are looking up for the duo as they are one of the only three full time tag teams left on the roster - a sad state for the once respected Tag Division to be in.

Jinder Mahal (Smackdown) - The son of a wealthy and powerful family in India, Jinder Mahal arrived in the WWE to assume power and assert his dominance on another continent. An arrogant, unsettling man, Mahal started his tenure by blackmailing his brother in law, the monstrous Great Khali, into doing his bidding by threatening to divorce Khali's sister. His hold was tenuous and Khali soon rebelled. Now on his own, Mahal has been making many more enemies than friends - and in his solitude the zeal of his religious faith has become more apparent in his presentation, turning him into even more of an outsider. If Mahal notices, he doesn't seem to mind.

Why Scott Snyder's Batman #5 is the Scariest Comic of 2012

I’m going to talk in detail about this month’s issue of Batman, and about Scott Snyder’s ongoing run on the title, so before reading this you may want to catch up on Batman #1-5 to stay spoiler-free. Scratch that, you’ll definitely want to. Go ahead, the internet’s not going anywhere. Come borrow my copies if you like.

Okay, ready?

Scott Snyder1 has been absolutely killing the execution on Batman since taking over the title with DC’s “New 52” relaunch back in September. Without messing around with the uber-prepared, hypercompetent philanthropist billionaire ninja vigilante we all know and love, Snyder has made Batman’s world feel new and exciting- and increasingly spooky- by filling his continuing story arc with clever gizmos, Wayne family history, and details about the infrastructure of Gotham City that are as fun as they are frightening. I’m not kidding; Snyder is filling a superhero comic with architecture and city planning and it is riveting2. Most importantly, he’s doing the part of the job that must be the most difficult when writing Batman, which is challenging him. Batman, let’s remember, has been uppercutting crime and outsmarting his opponents since 19393. He has also beat up Superman a few times. Batman #1 opens with Bruce plowing through half a dozen of his most dangerous enemies while locked in Arkham Asylum with them, a feat that took gamers nationwide multiple sleepless weekends to accomplish and which takes Scott Snyder’s Batman a total of seven pages in the very first issue of his new comic book.

So how do you challenge this guy?

Snyder’s done it by introducing the Court of Owls, a secret society of that Bruce has long dismissed as a local legend, a nursery rhyme used to scare Gothamite children when the homicidal clown and the burlap guy with the fear gas aren’t scary enough. It’s starting to look like the Court of Owls is real and has been in Gotham for decades, influencing the Waynes and other families, building secret lairs into the architecture of skyscrapers and secretly dispatching enemies with an unkillable assassin called the Talon. The evidence is piling up too high for Bruce to ignore, no matter how much he wants to. Towards the end of Batman #4, he goes into the sewers of Gotham City, looking for the Court.

How's that working out for you, Bruce?

Oh. Oh, God. Not so well, then.

That’s not the scariest thing about Batman #5, though. Neither is the immense maze underneath Gotham where the Court traps Bruce for more than a week. Nor are the hallucinations where Bruce’s hands turn into talons beneath his gloves and owls crawl out of the mouths of his dead parents. Nor is the room lined with “Before” and “After” photos of other victims who aged and lost their minds while trapped in the maze. Nor is the way the artwork turns sideways and then upside down as the story progresses, so that you, the reader, start to feel disoriented and crazed. These are all scary, but they’re not the clincher.

The scariest thing is that Batman panics.

He moves blindly through the Court’s maze, keeping to the shadows out of instinct but otherwise unable to get his bearings. We don’t see him doing any detective work to find his way out, or trying elementary maze stuff like always keeping to the left. Granted, we first see Bruce in the maze after he’s been there a week, which means he’s probably tried all that and given up. His thoughts are all over the place; at one point he’s hiding from the Court and later he tells himself he’s chasing after them, but this is all vague and unfocused, something he tells himself to keep himself moving. The Court guides him through the maze by switching lights on and off, illuminating some rooms and herding him out of others. He uppercuts cameras and wooden owl figureheads, which helps no one. He stumbles across clues, like an entire Gotham City in miniature with the names of the Gordons and the Cobblepots chiseled on the walls, and a room full of coffins that may hold the bodies of generations of Talons, but he does a really un-Batman thing here and tries not to think about the clues that could help him solve the case. His inner mantra is him saying "Not listening" over and over and he's screaming it out loud when the Talon gets the drop on him. There's a great page-by-page analysis of Bruce's breakdown here.

For purposes of comparison, let me point out that Batman #2 opened with Bruce Wayne, in his civilian persona, being thrown through one of the windows of Wayne Tower, with three throwing knives sticking out of him and the Talon diving after him Point Break style to finish the job. Bruce not only survived this encounter, he kept his head enough to continue narrating fun facts about Wayne Tower and its relationship to Gotham’s tourism industry while catching hold of a gargoyle and watching the Talon plunge to his apparent death.

Dude is hard to rattle.

Going back further in Batman’s history4, let me point out that in Grant Morrison’s run alone Bruce has been memory wiped, buried alive, kidnapped by a space dictator who was also a god of cosmic evil, memory wiped again and sent back in time to fight cavemen and pirates with a Lovecraftian leech monster chasing him across multiple eras. Never, during any of that, did he panic or give up.

If anything gives Batman an edge over the rest of the DC Universe and makes people buy “What Would Batman Do?” T-shirts, it’s not that he’s a master martial artist (paging Black Canary and Bronze Tiger) or a billionaire with an ever-growing arsenal of crimefighting gadgets (hi, Green Arrow), or even that he’s a detective (yo, Elongated Man). Batman’s real superpower is that he’s always prepared, he always has a plan, and he is never, ever in over his head. The minute Batman stops outthinking his opponents, he ceases to be Batman and becomes a self-financed Delta Force commando with a pointy bucket on his head.

Which is why it’s so scary to see him lose it down there, in the maze. It’s like when you were a child and for the very first time you saw your dad get lost and upset on a family car trip and all your illusions of security were shattered as you realized this towering man did not have all the answers. That’s a life-changing kind of fear that Snyder has tapped into, and even Batman's triumphant return next month won't be able to chase it away.

Right, helicopter thugs?

Well, maybe it will.

1 Penciller Greg Capullo and inker Jonathan Glapion have also been killing it, drawing a sprawling, built-up Gotham city with plenty of room for creepy things to hide in it and a Batman who looks like a 21st century ninja gladiator and who has this wonderfully unnerving little smile right before he does something like ramp jump a motorcycle into a helicopter. I’m not going to write as much about their contributions here since I can discuss story far better than I can discuss art. Assume the art is uniformly top-shelf.


2 Here’s an example. In Batman #3, Bruce goes down to the train tunnels beneath Wayne Tower to shake down toughs for information. He tells us that there are five separate train tunnels that converge beneath the tower, and that each one is controlled by a separate gang. He narrates all this while fighting a Ukranian gang with iron masks soldered onto their jaws, and then defeats them all by magnetizing a passing train, which then drags the entire gang down the tunnel by their masks. This all happens in four pages and is relentlessly awesome.


3 Even though DC officially restarted continuity with the “New 52” relaunch back in September, I’m going to ignore that and talk about Batman as a character with continuous history. It’s pretty easy to do with this title, which keeps most of the elements of Batman’s recent history from the last few years of comics, including his extended family of Robins and ex-Robins, one of whom is his son, Damian, whom Bruce fathered with Talia al Ghul and who was raised by an elite order of international assassins. I would never in a million years want to lose that part of Batman’s family tree and I’m glad DC didn’t either.


4 Again, ignoring that all this happened before the continuity reset. Trust me, if the Batman of Zur-En-Arrh survived Crisis on Infinite Earths, stuff we like from before The New 52 will survive The New 52. It is going to be okay.

Wonder Woman: Man Version

After I wrote that title it occurred to me that I should probably clear up right away: this isn't about Wonder Man.

Nope, this one is about Marvel's second-longest running heroic deity. The God of Heroes, the Incredible Hercules.

Ladies.

Jason recently wrote about the launch of the new Wonder Woman series, depicting the Amazonian in kind of a mythological urban horror story. Well over in the Marvel Universe, things are working in reverse. Instead of a woman, their Greek deity is a man, and he's been starring in a mythological urban comedy which is being cancelled right at its peak.

Hercules was introduced into the Marvel Universe back in 1965 with the same title in which Thor made his debut, Journey into Mystery Annual #1. Whereas Thor was regal, noble, and refined, Herc was brash, arrogant, and never shy about showing off his god-like strength. Several times it's been shown that when he really wants to be, Hercules can be as strong as Thor or the Hulk, really only outmatched by them because Thor has lightning bolts and the Hulk is the freaking Hulk.

Pictured: The freaking Hulk.

Throughout his tenure in Marvel, Hercules has been a part of some of the biggest storylines they've ever put out. Since his first appearance, he's been both rival and ally to Thor, a member of the Avengers, the Champions, the Heroes for Hire, and the star of several of his own mini-series about his adventures in outer space. When Atlantis attacked, Herc was there. When Korvac had his saga, Herc was there. When the heroes had their Civil War, Herc played a major role both in saving the entire resistance movement from a Tony Stark ambush and in defeating the clone of Thor, Ragnarok. And when the whole universe was being destroyed by the Chaos King, Hercules was the one hero who stood in the breach and saved all of space and time.

Cool story, Herc.

Also, in the midst of all that, he found the time to sleep with just about every available lady Marvel had to offer.

Not pictured: She-Hulk, Thundra (I think), and probably Tigra.

During the events of World War Hulk, when Hercules was one of the only heroes to say, "Wow, tricking the Hulk onto a spaceship and launching him to an unknown planet was kind of a dick move," the Hulk's own title got shifted to Herc, making The Incredible Hercules the Olympian's first ongoing. Teaming him with super-genius kid Amadeus Cho, Herc revealed a side of him seen all-too-infrequently; the fact that he is both incredibly strong and incredibly hilarious.

For the sake of brevity, let me focus just on what we're missing out on now that his new solo title, Herc, has fallen off of Marvel's chopping block.

- A depowered Hercules fighting crime in Brooklyn using Peleus's sword, the Aegis shield, and Perseus's helmet of invisibility.
- Super-villains Basilisk, Man-Bull, and The Griffon thrown in as bumbling yet well-meaning supporting cast.
- Herc working as a bouncer in a Greek bar while he sleeps with the owner's daughter.
- A Spider-Herc getting it on with Arachne while a webbed-up team of X-Men are forced to watch.
- A depowered, drunk, and overweight Zeus coming to live with Herc, and then relentlessly hitting on Elektra despite her repeatedly beating the crap out of him. After returning to his full glory and having Herc turn down having his godhood restored, Zeus figures he's doing it to impress Elektra, and tells him, "Go get her, son."

Now that's all gone.

This wasn't cool enough for Marvel.

Herc ended with #10 at the conclusion of the Elektra/Zeus story. It fell victim to the same series of cuts which just ended Ghost Rider, X-23, Daken: Dark Wolverine, Black Panther: The Most Dangerous Man Alive, Iron Man 2.0, Alpha Flight, Moon Knight, and PunisherMAX. Marvel is gearing up for a universe where every title has "Avengers," "Spider-" or "X" on the cover, and Herc's sales didn't justify it being an exception.

Which is a shame, especially in this case. The last series, Incredible Hercules, had some very poignant moments as Herc traveled across America with Amadeus and his sister Athena. First amongst his tasks was convincing the young and angry Amadeus not to use his genius for evil or revenge, revealing a terrible secret from his own past about how being reckless with his own strength cost him dearly in the past. Another moment was when being confronted by his brother Ares, the God of War shouted in fury that he was pinnacle of godly perfection and Hercules was a drunken, loud-mouthed boor, "so why do they love YOU?"

"No matter how many millions I kill, they just won't warm up to me!"

Herc, after getting over shock about that being the reason Ares hounds him so much, replies, basically, that, "Perhaps it is because I am flawed, but I strive to be more. Perhaps it is because in me, they see themselves."

And that's the basic appeal of Hercules as opposed to Thor; Thor is the perfect hero. Maybe even more so than Captain America. Thor represents not just the best in all men, but the best in all gods, too. He is an untouchable standard, for even though Cap has a basic morality and goodness which no mortal can touch, Thor is the same thing except for millennia-old immortals with unfathomable power. Hercules is different. He's essentially just a mortal man thrust into this realm of divinity, dealing with it as a mortal would. He drinks, he fights, he sleeps around a lot, and when he's not doing that, he stands up for the little guy because he knows that's the right thing to do.

Thor's not a little guy.

Incredible Hercules focused primarily on Herc and Amadeus traveling across America, sharing their woes with women, eating pizza, and having adventures while relating their modern-day exploits to the classic tales of Hercules from mythology. With Herc, they abandoned the divine aspects of Hercules's character, and instead put him in Brooklyn to contend with magical and mythological foes without his powers, but with the same humor and wit he displayed in Incredible Hercules. It delved into the character in ways we'd never really gotten to explore before.

He was always kind of one-dimensional when portrayed in Avengers, portrayed as an arrogant strongman and barely suitable replacement for the oft-absent God of Thunder. There's even an issue where they unveil a statue of the Avengers with Thor standing tall, and Hercules laments being the "token god."

The statue he wanted looked like this, only with Thor crying.

With Incredible Hercules and Herc, we got to see the classic character stripped of the stereotypes writers had assigned him with over the years and watch him shine as a hero in his own right. Now the sun's setting on that, and whatever other fantastic tales were in store for Hercules, we'll have to wait to read until he pops up as a guest-star in some Avengers title, where he'll probably be portrayed as a drunken, loud-mouthed womanizer - which he IS - but without the humor and humanizing aspects which proved this character can be great.

So long, Hercules, and thanks for all the Gifts.





If you like reading David write about comic books, you might also enjoy his writing about video games over on The Backlog.

An In Story Introduction to the WWE Roster for the First Time Viewer - Part 6

Today we've got a psycho-sexual deviant, an impostor, and a Leprachaun. Check out the past installments here, and roll along.

Goldust (RAW) - Goldust is an outward manifestation of the bizarre psycho-sexual mind that is Dustin Rhodes, all wrapped up in a skin tight gold jumpsuit. Rhodes comes from a high wrestling pedigree as the son of Hall of Famer Dusty Rhodes. But while Dusty was maybe wrestling's greatest personification of the common man, Dustin found his success by releasing his most secret excesses and perversions out to the world in the persona of Goldust. Obsessed with cinema and voyeurism, Goldust approaches his life like an avant garde film he is concurrently directing, starring in, and watching. With ambiguous sexuality, Goldust is deliberately provocative with his gestures and mannerisms in the ring, playing off of and utilizing the latent homophobia of most wrestlers in order to get in their heads and under their skin. His obsession with gold has led him to several championships, but never the big one. Years ago he suffered an accident that electrocuted him, leaving him with tourettes like symptoms that recur to the present day.

Most recently Dustin has found himself at odds with his younger brother, the Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes. Cody has been making a name for himself targeting Goldie's old friend and tag partner Booker T, and Dustin is trying to talk some sense into the younger Rhodes. But Cody is embarrassed and ashamed of Dustin, saying Goldust and his bizarre ways have left an indelible taint on the Rhodes family name. Confrontation is brewing, and one of the siblings may walk away with Shattered Dreams.

Heath Slater (Smackdown) - The "One Man Southern Rock Band" holds the distinction of having the 'most specific nickname that has nothing to do with wrestling' in the company. Boy howdy he sure likes Southern Rock - even though it is patently clear no one on the announce team knows a southern rock band outside of Lynyrd Skynyrd. Slater is kind of the black sheep of the WWE at the moment having only JUST snapped a several month losing streak - and beating Trent Barreta on NXT is not indicative of future success. He's a former Tag Team Champion (with Justin Gabriel), a former member of both The Nexus and The Corre, but on his own he appears to be floundering (considering he just lost to a Leprechaun). He plays air guitar, flips his hair around a lot, and is living out the role of red headed stepchild of Smackdown with admirable dedication. Heath Slater is probably best defined as nobody's favorite.

Hornswoggle (Smackdown) - Okay, here we go.

Hornswoggle is a Leprechaun who used to live under the ring and help Finlay win matches. At one time he was believed to be the illegitimate son of Vince McMahon, but it turns out that was a ruse by Finlay (Hornswoggle's actual father) in order to try and protect Hornswoggle and give him a better life (you know, instead of living under the ring). Mute since birth, he recently won a battle royal and was blessed with the gift of speech by Santa Clause (the real one) who had snuck in to replace Mick Foley (who had been dressed as Santa).

Sometimes he raps.

Lets move on.

Hunico (Smackdown) - Last year the WWE signed the mysterious masked Mexican superstar Sin Cara, a man of international fame and repute, who made an immediate impact with his high flying lucha libre style. Cara suffered an injury shortly into his tenure, and returned a few weeks later - but something was... different. He was taller, and had a totally different body shape. He also started kicking opponents when they were down, and basically acting like a jerk. Then ANOTHER Sin Cara appeared (who looked a lot more like the original) and we had two Sin Caras. As you may have guessed, the original returned second and the larger one was an impostor! Evil Sin Cara changed his mask and tights to black (because he was Eeeeevil) and we had a Star Trek: Mirror Mirror situation with two Sin Caras: Sin Cara Azul (our hero) and Sin Cara Negro (bad guy). Eventually the two fought in a Mask vs. Mask match in Mexico City - where the impostor was unmasked and revealed to be Hunico. (Being unmasked is a tremendous shame, especially in Mexico). As for the motive, while the details are out there they have never been revealed on WWE TV, but we know the basic story. Hunico contends that earlier in their careers Sin Cara stole an identity Hunico was using in Mexico. Seeing Cara would be out of action, he swept in to steal Cara's identity this time, and ruin his good name, paying him back for past injustices.

Now unmasked and exposed, Hunico has brought in an old running buddy from the barrio, Camacho, to watch his back - and also so Hunico can ride shotgun on Camacho's totally sweet low rider bicycle on the way to the ring. Well, they think it's sweet. I think it's ridiculous.

Camacho owes Hunico his life from back in the day, and now they plan to run roughshod over Smackdown together.

An In Story Introduction to the WWE Roster for the First Time Viewer - Part 5

You can check out A, B, C, and D - or choose your own adventure and start here!

Epico (RAW) - We don't know very much about Epico yet, other than that he's Primo's cousin and tag team partner (which makes him Carlito's cousin too, should he ever reappear). They just won the Tag Team Titles for the first time, beating Air Boom (Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston). They had teased an alliance with Hunico on Smackdown a few weeks ago, but signed on with Rosa Mendes instead - a move that appears to have payed off with gold. One has to assume that they're both looking to impress their manager because she is smoking hot, and the happier she is the more she dances the only dance she knows.

Evan Bourne (RAW) - The preeminent high flyer of the WWE and a member of the former Tag Team Champions Air Boom, along with partner Kofi Kingston. Kofi and Evan were on a nice roll as tag champs until they lost the belts and a rematch to Primo and Epico. Don't expect another shot soon as Bourne was just suspended for 60 days due to a wellness violation, so it will be at least two months until we see another Shooting Star Press in the WWE again.

Eve (RAW) - Eve is Kelly Kelly's best friend and tag team partner, and has been her staunchest ally in the battle against Pin Up Strong (Beth Phoenix and Natalya). Targeted by the Divas of Doom because she hasn't spent time on the Indie scene, Eve has stood out as the most talented of the 'home grown' WWE Divas.

More recently she's been the object of Zack Ryder's affections as the two have awkwardly flirted backstage - until Zack finally asked Eve out. She said yes to a date, which turned out to be bad news for Eve and has yet to happen, since the monstrous Kane has been targeting Ryder in order to push John Cena (Zack's friend and number one supporter) over the edge and force him to embrace hate. Kane has taken to stalking Eve to lure out both Ryder and Cena, and it's worked. Eve has had to watch helplessly as Kane has destroyed Ryder several times - once almost murdering him by trying to drag him under the ring and set him on fire (no, really), and most recently herniating one of Zack's discs by Chokeslamming him through the metal stage in front of the Titan Tron. Eve has had enough, and blames Cena for bringing this curse into their lives. One has to wonder if all this turmoil is strengthening her feelings for The Long Island Iced Z, or if she's starting to think that being with the Broski just isn't worth this horror.

Ezekiel Jackson (Smackdown) - Dude is big, and smiles a lot. I mean, he smiles a lot. Honestly, that's about it for this guy. Oh! He loves body slams. I think I've seen him do a match that was just body slams. Not a great experience for me, but he was into it. So... yeah. Former IC Champ, former member of The Corre (with Wade Barrett, Heath Slater, and Justin Gabriel). That fell through so now he's just treading water. I dunno. He's real big, loves body slams, and is just happy to be here, man.

An In Story Introduction to the WWE Roster for the First Time Viewer - Part 4

Hoping to get this series finished in time for The Royal Rumble on the 29th. I just finished watching every Rumble match from 1997 until now in preparation, so I'm good and ready. I may do a Rumble preview piece. For anyone who has never seen it, the Rumble is my favorite match of the year - a variation on an over the top rope battle royal where entrants come out every 90 seconds, and the last man standing gets a title shot at Wrestlemania. The only rules for elimination is that a wrestler has to go over the top rope, and both feet must touch the floor. At roughly an hour, and with thirty entrants, there is a chance to tell a tremendous amount of stories all within one match. It's a ton of fun, and if you're thinking of ordering it then this series will help get you primed on the players. You can check out parts 1, 2, and 3 here.

Daniel Bryan (Smackdown) - Daniel Bryan was an independent superstar, an internet sensation, and considered by some to be the best wrestler in the world - but there was tremendous doubt that he could make it in the big leagues of the WWE. He debuted as part of the first class on NXT, and was immediately singled out and hated by some for his independent experience, his vegan lifestyle, and generally being a nice guy - especially by lead WWE announcer Michael Cole and Bryan's NXT 'mentor', The Miz. Since then he's gone on to prove his doubters wrong by winning the US Title from the Miz himself, and then winning Smackdown's Money In The Bank. At first he declared he would cash in his MITB briefcase in the main event at Wrestlemania, being the first to do so, but was urged by The Big Show to cash in whenever the champ was weakest - specifically against the monster Mark Henry. Finally Bryan listened to Show's advice, and just seconds after Big Show beat Mark Henry for the title, Bryan cashed in his contract and did what many once thought impossible - he beat The Big Show to win the World Heavyweight Championship. Daniel Bryan has made it in the big leagues, much to the chagrin of Michael Cole.

But having the title has started to change him. Since winning the belt, Bryan has become like a modern day Gollum who will stop at nothing to keep his precious title - fighting, running, and manipulating. But who can blame him? He's caught between two behemoths in The Big Show and Mark Henry, and his cunning is becoming even more important than his arsenal of submission moves. He is dating AJ, who just told him for the first time the she loves him, only to end up hospitalized later that night after The Big Show accidentally mowed her down at ringside during a title match. AJ is the first woman to ever love Bryan - and while he hasn't said it back yet, he's dedicated keeping his title to her. It remains to be seen just how far the once virtuous Bryan will go to stay the best.

David Otunga (RAW) - A graduate of Harvard Law, Otunga now serves as legal adviser and general minion to Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager of Raw John Laurinaitis. Never without his bow tie or giant thermos of coffee, Otunga may be the most highly educated and over caffeinated piece of cannon fodder on the roster. Otunga has hitched himself to Laurinaitis' wagon in an effort to carve out a spot of power within the company, but that plan may backfire as his boss is under review for questionable decision making by the board, and will undergo a performance review on Monday courtesy of Chief Operating Officer Triple H - the man Laurinaitis replaced. Come Monday, Otunga may be out of a consulting job and will have to rely on his in ring skills to make a name for himself. For his sake, I hope he finds a new client soon.

Dolph Ziggler (RAW) - Dolph Ziggler loves to be a dick, and he thinks he's good enough to get away with it - no offense. And as number one contender to the WWE title he just may be be, though he's had some help. His business manager and former lover Vickie Guerrero has been guiding his career up the card for years, and her other charge Jack Swagger has recently been acting as some (sometimes unwelcome) muscle for the Zig Zag Man. Ziggler does not lack in confidence or in talent though, and he's convinced that he's the future of the business - and has no problem telling you. He held the World Title for a cup of coffee (less than an episode) due to a technicality last year and he's worked himself back into a title shot by winning matches, running his mouth, and not being afraid to take a shortcut when one is presented - whether he needs it or not. That dubious moral code may bode well for him on Sunday as John Laurinaitis is the special guest referee for his match, and has publicly stated he plans to screw CM Punk out of the title. Twitter may have to get ready for a lot of self congratulatory remarks with the #Heel.

Also, he once got knocked out by Wolverine on RAW, and stole Princess Leia away from Zack Ryder, going so far as to have her go down on him below the camera shot while he taunted Ryder about stealing his ex. Then he broke into Zack's house and knocked him unconscious, after finding the lost evil twin brother of Zack's buddy Scott Stanford and using the twin to frame Scott for beating up Zack's room mate Mike Chiapetta.

No, seriously.

Yes, that Princess Leia.

What can I say, dude's a dick.

Drew McIntyre (Smackdown) - Drew burst on to the scene with incredible fanfare, being anointed 'The Chosen One' by no less than Vince McMahon himself. Drew won the Intercontinental Title and made life miserable for Smackdown General Manager Teddy Long for a few months, but the pressure got to be too much for Drew and he faded into losses and irrelevance. He recently found his way back on to Smackdown for what he hoped would be a fresh start, but then Teddy looked at Drew's contract and was like "we're paying you how much to lose how many matches, Playa?" and demanded results in the ring. Drew choked four matches in a row, and was fired last week. If it sticks, people will mainly miss his sweet theme song more than the man himself. A story of unfulfilled potential.

An In Story Introduction to the WWE Roster for the First Time Viewer - Part 3

As would make alphabetical sense, we're up to the letter 'C.' You can check out parts 1 and 2 as well, or choose your own adventure and start right here.

Chris Jericho (RAW) - Jericho just returned to RAW after an almost two year absence, an absence that was quite literally kicked off by Randy Orton punting him in the head (word play). Since his return he's been showing off an AWESOME new light up jacket (it lights up!) and not saying much of anything, just soaking in the fans' adulation and coming close to tears by the emotion of it all. But Jericho is a master manipulator, and his return - true to form - was precipitated by a series of strange videos. These videos referenced a woman who would call Jericho back on some sort of almost holy mission. No idea who this woman is or what her purpose is yet, though some think 'she' may be a metaphor for the siren song of the title herself. Jericho is the first ever Undisputed Champion in WWE history (holding the WWF and WCW titles simultaneously), by way of beating The Rock and Steve Austin in the same night. Whether as Y2J, the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah, or simply Chris Jericho, this is one of the all time greats and chances are it won't be long before Jericho is back in the title picture. He's never won a Royal Rumble before - a victory celebration sounds like a great way to break the silence, right?

Christian (Smackdown) - After finally winning the big one this year after a 15 year career and then losing it in a tremendous feud with Randy Orton, Captain Charisma is after 'One More Match' for the World Heavyweight Championship. The only problem with that is that he's already had like twelve and lost - but never let a little thing like "the truth" get in the way of The Instant Classic. He's out on the shelf now, but it won't be long until Christian is back on the scene whining, complaining, manipulating, and generally being an awesome dick that you love to hate.

CM Punk (RAW) - The Straight Edge Savior. The Second City Saint. The Voice of the Voiceless. The WWE champion. Chicago's favorite son CM Punk changed the course of the WWE this summer when he declared that he would win the WWE title on his last night with the company and keep it, threatening to take Vince McMahon's ball and go home. He took out John Cena and cut a SCATHING promo sitting indian style on the stage, where he declared himself the best in the world and explicitly stated that the WWE would be better once Vince McMahon was dead, except for the fact that Vince's son in law HHH would take over. Then he made good on his promise, beat Cena for the title in his home town of Chicago, blew Vinnie Mac a kiss and ran off through the crowd. This is better known as The Summer of Punk (II). You can check out an AWESOME video chronicling the whole story as a Mash Up with Dr. Impossible's Sing Along Blog Below.

He came back two weeks later because he decided he couldn't lead a revolution from the sidelines and became a thorn in every authority figure's side, as well as the leading proponent of ice cream bars in the world. Now once again the champion, CM Punk is trying to get Johnny Ace thrown out of power as the Interim GM of Raw - all while Ace is trying to get the title off of Punk.

He doesn't drink. He doesn't smoke. He doesn't do drugs. All he does is drop pipe bombs with his microphone, and make suckers Go To Sleep. Because for CM Punk, his only addiction is competition.

Cody Rhodes (Smackdown) - The current Intercontinental Champion is the son of Hall of Famer Dusty Rhodes and the brother of Goldust. Cody has just declared his intention to pull an Ultimate Warrior. No, not to burn out in a wave of steroids and insanity, but to hold the IC and World titles at the same time. After a period of giving out grooming tips and loving himself in the mirror, Cody had his nose busted by Rey Mysterio. When he came back he claimed to be the victim of horrible facial disfigurement, but the damage was much more psychological than physical, with Cody donning a translucent face mask and becoming wrestling's version of Dr. Doom. Losing the mask after his former mentor Randy Orton cracked him upside the skull with it, Cody has since adopted Randy's old MO for making a name for himself - targeting older legends to beat on. He picked Smackdown announcer Booker T, which has also put him at odds with his own brother - Booker's former tag partner Goldust.

Curt Hawkins (RAW) - Poor Curt Hawkins. A one time Tag Team Champion when he was riding Edge's coat tails as one of The Edge Heads, his current situation is not nearly so prestigious. While his former partner Zack Ryder managed to harness the internet for a career resurrection, Hawkins bought himself a coat and a pimp stick and wrestles in low card tag matches teaming with Tyler Reks. Recently they engaged in a prank war with Yoshi Tatsu and Trent Barreta - not quite title competition.

I bet you can guess what's up next...

This Week's Haul - 1/12/12 (Part 2)

Part 2! Check out part 1 (and an in depth look at the current philosophical paradigm of the X-Men) here.

***********SPOILER WARNINGS***********

X-Factor #230

I've been reading X-Factor consistently since it relaunched 80 issues and five specials ago (there was a renumbering in there too). It has been my most consistent purchase over the last several years and there are two major reasons for that. The first is writer Peter David, and the second are the incredible characters he has helped to shepherd and develop. Somewhat of a rarity in modern comics, David has been the only writer for all 80+ issues of the revival and this has allowed the title to develop a consistent feel and narrative, even amidst the revolving door of artistic talent that has drawn the book. While the high concept of the series has waxed and waned over the years (and it's a high concept which I love - Jamie Madrox and company running a mutant detective agency for the Marvel Universe with a slightly noirish tint) what has stayed steady is the incredible characterization and growth of an ensemble cast that has managed to turn perennial C or D-listers into absolute FAVORITE characters of mine. I never thought I would tell you that Rictor or Shatterstar would be some of my favorite characters in comics, but hey - they're awesome. While some story arcs are better than others, and I hold that the best arcs are the ones that really live in and embrace the core high concept, what ties the series together are the relationships at play - and those relationships keep me coming back issue after issue.

This particular installment has an unusual goal in that while it's the second part of a story, it's also clearly branded as a jumping on point for new readers as part of the line wide Regenesis banner. I think it succeeds pretty well given that you're jumping into the deep end of the pool no matter which issue of X-Factor you get. David is juggling multiple plot lines, some as old as several years ago, and he has consistently proven that they will all eventually build into each other and pay off for the longtime reader - but you're pretty much starting in the middle of something no matter what. This is also a book with a core ensemble of twelve characters (two new additions this issue!), another core character on hiatus but coming back this year, recurring guest stars, and a remit to interact with the Marvel Universe at large. It's a crowded book, and yet everyone gets a chance to shine and express themselves.

It's not a perfect issue - some of the humor felt off this time around, a bit too forced, or maybe the timing between writer and artist was off. When X-Factor is on it is laugh out loud funny, and this issue was more a knowing nod going "ah, I see what you were going for there." But there is some nice stuff, particularly between Layla Miller and Wolverine as they stand over the body of the presumed dead Madrox. Wolfsbane's reaction to Wolverine showing up was also a nice nod (given the last time they worked together she was driven into blood lust and made to eat her own father), and Logan's relationship with Rahne provides one of the clearest examples as to why he's decided that children as soldiers is a TERRIBLE idea and to open a school instead. I'm actually hoping Logan brings Rahne up to Scott as it serves a pretty poignant example of the cost.

In many ways X-Factor has been the X-group operating most closely within the ideals of Xavier's dream of actual integration ever, certainly more than the X-Men themselves, by deciding to set up shop in NYC and earn a living through their powers by offering a service to humans and mutants alike. Given that half the X-Men just basically took a hike from Utopia due to Scott's isolationist tendencies, it's nice to see Madrox's crew get the credit for walking the walk well before anyone else decided to. Madrox has been telling Scott where to stick it for awhile now. Too bad he's only vindicated once he's dead.

Next Up - 2 weird Spider-Man anthologies.

An In Story Introduction to the WWE Roster for the First Time Viewer - Part 2

Part 2! (You can read part 1 here)

Beth Phoenix (RAW) - The Diva's Champion. The Glamazon. One half of Pinup Strong. One half of the Divas of Doom (with Natalya). Beth Phoenix is one bad-ass woman and you can tell because she comes the ring in Wonder Woman inspired gear, right down to the tiara and battle skirt. Blonde, buff, and ready to beat you down, she's only a villain because she knows she's right.

The Big Show (Smackdown) - Billed as the largest athlete in the world, weighing in at over 300 lbs and at 7 feet tall, this TBS isn't a super station but the closest we get to a super human. A lovable giant with a terrible temper, TBS just came back from injury at the hands of Mark Henry and his Hall of Pain. Since then he's been out for revenge, the World title, and encouraging little buddy Daniel Bryan to cash in his Money In The Bank briefcase (a guaranteed title shot whenever you want it) on Mark Henry when he was down and out, instead of waiting until Wrestlemania like Bryan promised. Instead Big Show FINALLY beat Henry for the World title, his first in 9 years, only for Daniel Bryan to cash in on HIM instead - losing the belt and leaving him with the embarrassing record for shortest World Title reign in history. Looks like Big Show may have created his own monster, as it starting to seem that the formerly nice guy Bryan will do anything to keep the gold - and we all remember how David vs. Goliath actually ended.

Booker T (Smackdown) - A legend in the ring, a former 5 time WCW champion, King of the Ring, and World Heavyweight Champion, Booker T is now the most ridiculous announcer on television. He sometimes appears to be making up his own language right there in the booth because what he's saying is often clearly not English. He's not very good at it, but his enthusiasm in infectious and the man invented yelling "Shucky Ducky Quack Quack" when an attractive woman walks by, so I owe him a lot. Recently he's stepped back in the ring to try and beat some respect into the Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes, who had a bad habit of brutally beating Booker from behind to show him that his career ought to be over. Booker is best buds with Cody's brother Goldust (they were former tag champs together) and so far Goldie is taking Booker's side of things. After losing to Rhodes recently will Booker be hanging up his boots for good, or will we see him back in the ring again soon?

Brie Bella (RAW) - One half of the Bella Twins with her sister Nikki, a pair of attractive twin sisters who (allegedly) wrestle, so you can see how the concept sells itself. They tend to use 'Twin Magic' to win, which is just a polite name for 'cheating liberally' by switching places when the ref is distracted. You would think they'd put a stamp on one of their hands at the top of the match at this point, given this strategy is so common it has an actual name, but what do I know. Brie debuted first and tends to be the one who actually wins more. Right now she and her sister are crushing hard on Alberto Del Rio.

Brodus Clay (RAW) - Somebody call his Momma! After months of Interim Raw General Manager John Laurinaitis promising that Brodus Clay would debut (no seriously, for MONTHS they'd be like 'next week - Brodus!' and then Johnny Ace would be like 'It's raining! Postpone the debut!') and videos hyping him to look like a monster, Brodus FINALLY made his official Raw debut last week. It was not what we expected. Hailing from Planet Funk, the Funkasauras Rex came down to the ring with two dancers, a gyrating soul routine, and birthday candle sparkler pyro coming from the turnbuckles. He then proceeded to literally squash poor Curt Hawkins while providing his own running commentary. In other words, this dude is AWESOME. A big man with some juke and jive, Brodus used to be Alberto Del Rio's bodyguard - but clearly he's his own man now.

You can check out this momentous event below. And believe me, you should.

Somebody call my Momma, we'll be back for more!

This Week's Haul - 1/12/12

One of the things I love most about shopping at Big Planet Comics in College Park is that right in the front of the store they have the 'give away shelves' - restocked pretty consistently week to week with books culled from the back issue bins and donated collections. Any book on those two shelves are free to take away with you, and I have used that opportunity to add greatly to my back issue collection. It adds a better value to my trip, as I may be paying full price for my new issues but overall I'm still getting a great deal on what ends up in my bag. It also means that in my weekly reviews from the store I'll have an interesting collection of the books I'm reading now (mainly X-Men related with some New 52 thrown in), but also some curious selections from the back catalogue. Case in point today - two over sized Spider-Man anthologies I had never even heard of.

So lets take a look at this week's haul.

***** SPOILER WARNING***********

Wolverine and the X-Men #4

Okay, if you're not reading Wolverine and the X-Men and Uncanny X-Force then I can't promise that's your first problem, but it's definitely your current problem. Because these are phenomenal books and both are important to this issue, which sees writer Jason Aaron succeed in a tremendously difficult arena - the creation of an enjoyable self contained issue that also pushes the main plots forward while adding in subplots from an entirely different series. He does this all while deftly juggling an ensemble cast in the double digits and giving everyone a moment in the spotlight. It's fun, funny, quirky, and hits just the right notes of playing to the shared universe of these stories without feeling beholden to it. Given, I'm reading both books, and this is a compelling next step for a trio of characters that seem to be moving from X-Force to WatXM. This series has been a home run so far, and I truly recommend it.

To catch you up, the X-Men have split on philosophical differences, mainly relating to the treatment of mutant teenagers as part of the post-Decimation world (where the Scarlet Witch robbed just about all mutants with the exception of the 198 most famous ones of their mutant powers, leaving them an endangered species). Cyclops is leading a mutant nation on an island just off the coast of San Francisco, utilizing the relatively novel strategy of starting a new cold war with the rest of the world to ensure mutant safety, using themselves as the nukes. Scott is training the younger X-Men that stayed with him to be combat ready in a world that may strike at any moment. Conversely, Wolverine basically said enough is enough, and kids are kids, and went back to Westchester to reopen the old school and teach younger mutants rather than train them. Their school is insanely awesome. Effectively, Scott is now practicing the more pragmatic and isolationist ideas that Magneto used to champion, only without the killing innocent people part. Logan is championing a more pure version of Xavier's dream by not only re-opening the school, but incorporating more species than mutants into the student body - including aliens, clones, and living land masses at last count. It may seem surprising that Scott Summers, the former poster boy for the Xavier school, is the one living alone on an island with Magneto daring Iran not to blink, but it's actually a pretty natural extension of the characters after the last few years, not to mention a guy who was raised to be the leader of a covert para-military operation since he was 16. In many ways, Logan's new school is MUCH more representative of an actual school than ever before in X-Men history, except for the Morrison era, and so far he has a leg up on Xavier since no busses full kids have blown up yet (yup - totally happened).

What's pretty awesome about this set up is two fold. First, while characters like Magneto and Xavier are both still around and operating and significant supporting characters, they are no longer the figureheads for the core ideological discussion at the root of the X-Books. They have been supplanted by the next generation of mutant leaders and thinkers - a promise heralded all the way back in Grant Morrison's seminal New X-Men - Planet X arc, but with a potential only now just beginning to be realized. This allows the book to feel like it has actually evolved - a tremendous feat in a medium where Stan Lee once boldly (and apocryphally) announced in the 1970s that we 'no longer needed change, only the illusion of change,' and where nostalgia fueled reboots tend to wipe out years of development in favor of starting clean for a new generation.

The second exciting thing is what the nature of this schism allows us to have from a storytelling perspective. It took a long time and a lot of moving pieces to get us here, but we finally have both sides of the ideological divide represented equally and evenly and at a relatively equivalent morality. For a long time Xavier's methods were always the protagonists' methods, and so while Magneto might have made a good point or two, it was hard to ignore that he was doing so while leading 'The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants' or calling for the slaughter of most homo-sapiens. Now maybe you disagree with Scott's politics and worry he's riding way too close to the edge - a plot point in the book - but he's also been shown as a capable and competent wartime general who united and led his people to survival. This is no evil villain calling for the death of humans, this is Scott friggin Summers from 1963's X-Men #1 taking on the responsibility of a world leader. And it is EXACTLY what Magneto was trying to do with Avalon in the 90s, only on island by the bay instead of out in space. And the threat of a global EMP. It's fascinating to see that for all of Xavier's teaching Scott is basically following the Magneto path, down to Mags kneeling before him in a public show of fealty and is now acting as his concierge. Intentional or not, that is a rather damning commentary on either Xavier's dream, or his methods. I'm going to go with methods, as I've spent the better part of my life believing in the peaceful coexistence of races - but it is fascinating to see both sides fleshed without one being the ostensible villains.

Which leaves us with Wolverine, the man who is concurrently running a non-violent school for youths AND a black ops hit squad, as the moral figurehead of Xavier's dream. This duality is at the center of this particular issue as we see how the ramifications of X-Force's latest mission (which resulted in the death and rebirth of Archangel without any of his memories, and a young clone of Apocalypse named Evan who was raised in a virtual reality Smallville to really answer the nature vs. nurture question) will affect the school, and how Logan and his staff will navigate that. It's interesting to note that while Hank, Kitty, and Bobby (definitely the core moral center of the X-Men now) want NOTHING to do with X-Force, none of them are particularly surprised to hear Wolverine is doing that kind of stuff, because that's the way he's always been. If anything, this school is a MUCH bigger change for Wolvie - who used to take teenage girls under his wing by teaching them how to use swords and dodge bullets. Contrast that with the shock and horror everyone had when Cyclops was doing the same thing, and it's because Scott has changed, and I don't think it was apparent to anyone just how much he had until recently.

So this issue is a bit of an epilogue, a bit of a breather, and a TREMENDOUS amount of fun. It's the X-Men book I've wanted for a long time, and I've been a fan of some more recent runs (Fraction's, for all its flaws, in particular). The students are great, the teachers are great, the stakes are high, the high concepts are present and so are the small character moments, as well as the philosophical implications.

If you look at the X-Men as one giant, long form story told over generations this is an important series of moments.

To Be Continued

An In Story Introduction to the WWE Roster for the First Time Viewer - Part 1

I've been writing about wrestling a LOT on Facebook, and to my surprise instead of annoying the snot out of people it seems to have gotten a few individuals interested in the absolutely ridiculous world of the WWE - which especially recently has been like one giant fever dream performance art tribute to the Silver Age DC Universe. On the off chance that one of the uninitiated decides to check out an episode, I have created a character guide to the shows so you won't feel TOTALLY lost. This is all within storyline, none of that backstage stuff here - just a bit of a score card to get you started.

And remember - the very first thing I ever saw on a wrestling show was Tiger ali Singh challenging PMS to kiss his feet, and then the introduction of Meat, so you are almost SURE to have a better introduction than me.

BASIC INFO - The Roster is divided between two shows: RAW (Mondays) and SMACKDOWN (Fridays). TECHNICALLY everyone is on one roster or the other, and have different bosses, but at this point it doesn't really make a difference because everyone is on everything - but since they like to pretend it still matters so will we. NXT is this weird unending 'contest' where one rookie will seemingly win a chance to be on another season of NXT to maybe get a spot on the real roster in what has become an admirable metaphor for purgatory.

In alphabetical order - your cast of the WWE!


AJ (Smackdown) - This spunky young Rookie is also the girlfriend of World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan, and can often be seen backstage wishing him luck or hoping he doesn't die. She's tag team partners with Kaitlyn - but they keep losing matches and Kaitlyn is getting kinda pissed.



Aksana (Smackdown) - This eastern-European lady once almost married Goldust until we found out she was a literal gold-digger and only wanted his Million Dollar Belt (that he stole from Ted Dibiase). Since then she disappeared, dyed her hair, and mastered the super-natural power to make weird porn saxophone music play every time she enters a room (no, seriously). She is currently using this magic power to vaguely hit on Smackdown General Manager Teddy Long in attempt to have him awkwardly break every sexual harassment law on the books in the United States. They may or may not have sex one day - we are all hopeful that will not be on television.

Alberto Del Rio (RAW) - This rich Mexican aristocrat proclaimed it was his Destiny to win the WWE title - unfortunately, it doesn't seem like part of his destiny was to keep it very long. Dude had a hella good debut year - winning the Royal Rumble, Money in the Bank, and the WWE Championship (that's a REAL good year) but then he lost it to CM Punk, tore a muscle, and is out injured and in a wheelchair. He's got a sidekick in a tuxedo named Ricardo Rodriguez he gets to boss around, and the Bella Twins are pretty much fighting over who gets a chance to sleep with destiny first. He also comes out the ring a different multimillion dollar car every night. Honestly, it's not bad to be ADR.

Alex Riley (RAW) - Former protege to The Miz who finally flipped a switch and beat the crap out of his one time mentor after realizing 'take a lot of shit from Mike Mizanin' was maybe NOT the best way to earn respect and success in the WWE. He's the kind of dude who wears his Letterman jacket well into his thirties, so depending how you feel about that will pretty much tell you what you need to know about A-Ry. (That, and the fact that he or someone else on the WWE team could not spell or read his actual last name when creating his abbreviated nickname).

Alicia Fox (Smackdown) - This WWE diva is just... honestly not very good in the ring. She has this weird power-dance-walk... thing she does, and wears what appears to be a dead fox around her head. But she sure is cheery. It's clear Booker T has a crush on her (I hope his wife isn't watching the show) and she's got beef with Pinup Strong (Divas Champion Beth Phoenix and her Robin the Girl Wonder, Natalya) because they have correctly identified Alicia as one of those "model girls who can't really wrestle." Then she beats them with a roll up a lot. That basically sums up the last three months of women's wrestling in the WWE. Sigh...



Coming Soon - people whose name starts with the letter "B."
Sesame Street ain't got nothing on me.